Page has something to say...

This picture is obviously an advertisement for Baskin Robbins/Dunkin Donuts. My mom, Leah, Page and I had to make a stop for some junk to end our vacation right. We were all wishing to "vomic" soon after this picture was taken.

Page was writing in her new journal my mom bought her. She has become a very good reader and really loves it so I hope it will continue into writing. She has a lot to say and I hope she will share it with the world one day.

Speaking of sharing, my favorite ice-cream can only be found at Baskin Robbins and its a combination of rainbow sherbet and daiquiri ice. They have the best rainbow sherbet because they leave the lime flavor out. I have not been able to get the daiquiri ice in a long time so I'm not sure what has happened there. Coming from a chocoholic you know they must be tasty if I choose them over chocolate. Its not a big surprise Page is all about the chocolate.

Good Bye 2008

This has been one of the hardest years of my life. I know I learned a lot and there were some good times but overall I'm glad this year is over and I'm ready to move on. I am so wanting for 2009 to be positive and refreshing. Instead of doing a reflection and trying to feel moved in some way - find the silver lining, etc. I'm just going to drop kick it and say Good Bye.

I prefer to think about 2009 and all the new adventures ahead.

The holiday break started out really good. I spent time with Bentley, headed home for a few days to visit my family and friends and got back in time for New Years at home. I spent the last day of the year crying my eyes out.

I was heading home on 31 Dec and received the call that my friend Ann had given birth to her little girl. I was feeling down that I wouldn't get to see "biscuit" fresh outta the oven and started thinking about flying home for a quick weekend to drop in. My mom called a couple of hours later and asked me to pull over and that loud voice in my head screamed, "NO - its not fair" since I knew it was the baby. The doctors are 90% sure she has Down Syndrome. We have to wait over a week to get the confirmation. We cried for so many reasons: fear of the unknown, heartache because they went through so much losing one of their twins with the first birth, fear if the baby is going to be okay, heartache for them since the worst thing in the world is for your baby to suffer, fear of the extra caretaking involved and how would they add one more thing to their plate and once I got home it all broke lose. I hurt for my girlfriend, her little one, and her family.

I did get to speak with Ann and she was exhausted from the delivery, exhiliration of her new little one and the anxiety of what does it mean? Is she okay? We were thinking how can you be so happy and thankful for this gift and so upset at the same time. We are hopeful the tests will come back that she is not Down but either way I hope she is healthy.

I know once we all learn more and get to have time snuggling with "biscuit" everything will be okay. I'm leaving behind the sadness and moving on to being grateful for the opportunity to love a new little girl and all the new things I'll learn from her.

My word for 2009 - Grateful

Love is in the Air

My girlfriend Yvette is engaged! Congrats!

Mom & Daddy Anniversary + My Freedom Anniversary

This year they decided to replace the carpet in the livingroom and the kitchen/bathroom floors for their gift to each other. It's funny that my mom and daddy have the smallest, oldest house in our family and it is the place that family & friends collect. People drive by and see the cars and stop by to say hello and many times we end up sitting on the floor so we can all fit. The floors go through a lot in that little house so it was a good present to us all.

My ex was considerate enough to divorce me on my parents anniversary so it seems to come up in my mind as a milestone for me too. He was in a hurry to marry his girlfriend and probably didn't even remember but he was obviously a smuck anyway. I am thankful to be divorced and I always feel like celebrating on their anniversary too.

I recently told Page that I was married before she was born and she was amazed and seemed a little horrified. She explained to me how she hopes her mom and dad never get divorced because she wants to be with both of them everyday, forever. I agreed and told her how I think her mom and dad will make it and I really do.

There are times I don't remember what it was like when I was married and admittedly I usually feel reminded when something is difficult with my relationship. Its like my brain only remembers being lonely and how hard it can be. I think back on my ex and he is a complete stranger to me. Since we grew up together it seems like that wouldn't be - it is and I would like to keep it that way.

I know marriage is not always like that and there were good times - many, for many years and nothing is promised. I look at how different my world is now and I'm grateful. I have my freedom to be me and appreciate being on my own. An added bonus is when I see love in my boyfriends eyes.

So Much Fun So Little Time

Over the Thanksgiving holiday break my family and I headed to the beach. We have been going to the same place since I was 2 and I can't imagine the day we won't go there. It may be coming soon since the owner and our dear friend is very ill. He is someone I have loved my whole life, he performed my wedding vows, sold me my first life insurance, rented me a home on his beautiful farm, counseled me during my separation and has given me some great hugs for as long as I can remember. This year he was not there and was missed. Of course we missed his beautiful wife and other family. It wasn't the same.

We had some good weather and some bad. Page caught a fish and got to drive the boat which are some of her favorite things to do. We cooked, watched movies, read books, played with the kitties and did a lot of just good ole fashion relaxin'. Then back home to do laundry and visit.

My girl friend Ann is expecting a little girl the first of January and she is looks great. I missed her shower so I brought her some gifts from one of her favorite stores. It's nice when people have those so you can pretty much buy anything in the store and know they will love it. http://www.parenttrap.net/

My daddy made a big pot of chili beans which is great food for a woman that is 8 months pregnant. I am curious if she will get through the night without starting labor.

No Don't Go...

Bentley and I popped in for our massages today and are heartbroken that Shawnte' is moving away. Her husband got a promotion/transfer to Tennesee and they are packing up. She is a beautiful person and the best massage therapist I've ever had. She has helped us with our stress this year and I'm not sure what we will do after she is gone. I hope she has a good reference for us but, it won't be the same. I wish her all the best and ohh how her hands will be missed. We have a few more sessions before she heads out so I will relish in them. http://www.shawnteshands.net/

POWER

During this training I had a few surprises. First I can now do a magic trick - that was an unexpected treat. My real surprise was how powerful I feel and how I don't feel ashamed of it. I think I knew it but to articulate it out loud with a group made it obvious I am pretty comfortable with it. We were asked to reflect on Power and discuss the 5 areas: Position, Task, Personal, Relationship, & Knowledge.

No admittedly, I don't have very many position power, nor do I want it. I like the others better since its a power that comes from you receiving a return on what you put out, instead of imposing it because of the authority you have over someone else.

I was in a small group and was surprised how there were struggles with listing powers. The comment was made how I was obviously confident with my power. I didn't want to be perceived as haughty so I explained and it was nice to hear the words out loud. I was raised by powerful women and it has always given me permission to feel powerful without apology and how on the flip side that if I hadn't found some inner strength/power those same powerful women would have run all over me. Survival of the fittest raises its ugly head :).

So its true they taught me that if for no other reason I should feel powerful because I'm a woman. Women seem to be trained to not be proud and I say Pooh Pooh on that. No need to be power hungry or greedy but there is nothing more beautiful than a confident, powerful and kind woman and I'm thankful I have so many in my life.

First and most important I think mothers are the most powerful people in a person's life. The act of producing a miracle baby from your body and even more importantly everything that goes into leading the baby to adulthood. I am not a mother and daily I am in awe of those that are and their quiet power and influence.

And of course there is the other thing we have that makes men go to war, cry, beg, steal and lose their minds but I won't go there.

I also feel powerful because of the connections I have developed with a wide variety of people. It comes more naturally with some than others but I like to be conscious of connection. How can you convince someone else of your worth or power if you can't even say it out loud.

Empowerment is 20% given and 80% taken and I wish more people (especially women) would just go for it and use their power for good. Even Frankenstein wasn't all bad and look how much power it took to get him going.