Upset

Mom's upset, Daddy's upset, I'm upset - Her recover takes longer each time and she is sick of it. I can tell my dad feels almost a sense of panic watching her feel so bad. Why is it still hurting - they keep saying it takes a long time but this is getting ridiculous. I hope she'll look back on this and not remember much of the pain and discomfort, if nothing else because she has been on serious drugs for all of it. Time going by - living life wanting time to go by sucks.

Tomorrow I will try to get her an appointment sooner than later so they can confirm this suffering is normal.

Listening: Drop Shot - Harlan Coben - its ok so far
Feeling: Frustrated mom is still feeling so bad - kind of helpless too which I should be getting use to that feeling.
Needing: To clean up before I go to bed so it doesn't start again.
Thinking: The Two & A Half Men Show is stupid and Ashton is disappointing. They tried but they should give up.
Enjoying: Roasted Veggies
Wondering: How long all of this social media will continue. I know I get bored with it and I don't participate fully. Its like a virus and continues to grow with no cure in sight.
Hoping: To get in bed by 9:30 - and be asleep by 10:00

Shorter

I got my hair cut shorter - I don't think Bentley realized it could get shorter. Now its pretty close to being his length in the back/sides. Short hair on a woman gets many different reactions. It was still shocking to him but he seems almost confused by how much he likes it - which is the same reaction the first time it was cut short so you would think he would be use to it. I thought about one of my friends who loves to have short hair and has grown it out. She has good hair either way. Now that I have really short hair, I can understand why its hard to keep it long. It does cost more to have to get it cut so often but it saves a lot of energy, time and thought.

Saved myself $40 last night by cutting my own nails - they look like crap but the job is done.

Listening: Air conditioner kicking on
Feeling: Productive and caught up... a little
Needing: To get up and take my walk
Thinking: 4 work days and I get a break for a while
Enjoying: Beautiful weather & yummy salad from Whole Foods
Wondering: Where Waldo is
Hoping: Mom is feeling better - need to call to see

Done

Mom is done with all of this. She has felt horrible for over 6 months now and has decided to stop treatment. I am relieved and hopeful she will feel better by the weekend. I am so glad the PICC Line is gone - that thing made me nervous. I think she made the best decision and I know we are all ready for her to really recover. It's emotional for us all b/c its been too much for her and its horrible for all of us that love her to witness and have so little we can do to help. It's beyond words. Words are too simple for the feelings felt when someone you love has had cancer and gone through so much to get rid of it and even when everything is good to be left with the worry that all cancer survivors (and their family & friends) feel. Today she moves in the right direction and tomorrow will be a better day.

Listening: to the dishwasher running
Feeling: Excited mom will be better during my next visit and we can do something fun with Page.
Need: to sleep - we'll see
Thinking: I have no idea what I'm wearing tomorrow and I wish it were PJ's
Enjoying:American Idol - its good this year
Wondering: Why I extend myself to certain people... again. Its like I can't help it and then I regret it. At times I am cold and it is easy to maintain a distance - then others I forget and allow myself to be open and friendly - the battle begins. Its hard to fight yourself but you have to come to terms that not everyone deserves to be apart of your life, more specific your real life. Stop wasting your energy and save it for those that matter. Deep, yes I know. One of my friends told me I am generous and should never change and i appreciate that but we agree it should be limited to people that appreciate it and ARE STABLE. It's also interesting the filters you forget about and how there are times removing them is needed like when someone crosses the line or is insulting. I'm installing a quick release button on my filters so watch out.
Hoping: The book I just started will be really good b/c its HUGE
Internet Finds: Nothing - there was nothing found today.

I'm Back

I thought I would want to just write to myself and then I didn't even want to do that. Forget about the word for the year. That is a joke - last year was boundaries and I completely lost all of mine with work so I'm over it.

2012: So far I turned 40 and celebrated 5 years with Bentley. My mom had some time to recover from radiation and just started her treatment. I have slowed my roll at work a little even though I did have a trip that was bad enough I was scared to leave my room. My cousin has gotten a cool job, signed on an apartment and is well on his way in joining his woman in ATL. I've had a few trips home and my bud Raph is in town. I'm not going into last year. Forgetaboutit.

I think I'll keep doing some of the category things until I have more to share:

Listening: I am trying to listen to the music Raph gave me to load on my ITunes and its been so long I don't remember how to download it.
Eating: Not eating but had manicotti and it was good but heavy
Feeling: Frustrated and upset that my mom feels like crap
Need: An ITunes refresher
Thinking: TV is stupid
Enjoying: My new watch - Raph got me a gray ICE watch - its very cool.
Wondering: How long will I last this time in writing in this thing
Internet Finds: When I start to feel like my lil apartment gets too big I'll be moving into a container house: http://www.poteetarchitects.com/containerguesthouse/15.html

Done

Today I finished my organizing and cleaning for my mom's visit. The dusting was probably the worst since I kept seeing the black smut kind of stuff and all I could think about was the smokers below killing me slowly. They were outside today when I left for dinner and they had 2 little dogs. I wonder how long the dogs will live. I also started thinking about Miya and how un-cat proof my apartment is. I moved the eucalyptus and some of the plants. I hope she doesn't dump too many things over. She will look for all the places she can climb/jump on and get as high as possible. Who knows what she'll get into.

Ate: Nachos
Drank: Margarita

Visited: Raphael and I got to catch up some over dinner

Suitcases

Funny how excited one can get about "stuff". I am in love with my new suitcase. It's an Eagle Creek and it's blue. I was in the container store using my gift card that was at least 3 years old and I spotted this lovely. It only weighs @7 lbs. I also got one of their folding sets and I might use to fold all my clothes in my house. I love when stuff is all folded nicely. So I didn't buy it immediately because it's a big purchase. I am going to buy the large one in a few months because I really can't bring myself to drop that kind of cash on suitcases so I am going to stretch it out. I also have suitcases so I needed more time to come up with my justifications. First, I am replacing my small suitcase with the one I bought today. It was too small for more than 2 nights and I always needed a little bag for shoes/toilettries. I am going to give it to my niece for her travel. Second I will replace my large suitcase which, I think, is 14 years old. I bought it at Target while I was in California visiting a friend and I had to get a suitcase to get it all my goodies home. Since then it has been to Belgium many times, Switzerland, Holland, France, Portugal, Spain, Germany, California, Boston, Florida, and a few places in between. It has had bottles of port break and leak in it, it has been lost, it has been taken over by cats, it has been packed way beyond it's limits, thrown, banged up and always just kept on going. The zipper is just starting to fail and so I plan to replace it with the larger version of this bag before I take my week long vacation in the spring. I am going to retire my bag at goodwill. What I think I will miss most about my big case is the faded sticker of the crabby patty that my niece put on it about 6-7 years ago. I would see it come off the belt at the airport and I knew it was mine. *Sigh*

Listening: Today was a Taylor Swift Day - all day
Eating: I had a crabcake sandwich with sweet potato fries and in my mind it's a crabby patty
Feeling: Excited about my purchase and using it on my lil trips planned for fun this spring/summer
Need: To start getting this place organized for my mom's visit. I have been out every night this week and so the weekend is going to be less than relaxing trying to clean and make space in this tiny place for another human
Thinking: Wow my gas/electric bill was cheap considering it's been cold and I've been here a lot. Yeah - little tiny apartment. I'd rather spend money on a new suitcase than the utilities
Enjoying: The fact that my bra is off
Wondering: When I'm going to read all of these books - especially since I just ordered 3 more.
Internet Find: www.pandora.com It's not a new find but I love it.

Fix + New Jewelry

I'm going to take some pictures tomorrow. I'm too tired tonight. It was a fun time. The apartment was very cool and had beautiful paintings. I was greeted by sweet little furry friends and mixed up some cape coders with the new vodka I picked up. We also had Thai from my favorite place. We fixed a couple of my pieces and I made a really pretty necklace thanks to my bud and all her cool stuff. She was very generous with her supplies, beads, and skills. She has a great sense of style. I need to give her a nickname but I'll wait for it to come to me.

She thought it was funny I was calling it a party but anytime there are drinks, women and food - it's a party. I really don't require all of those to call a gathering a party but those are 3 great components in my book.

Now I want a pink cashmere sweater to wear with my new necklace.

Listening: tonight we listened to music but I only recognized one song and it was a tear jerker.
Feeling: Happy about the home computer thing because I'm doing better with my goal to blog but also sending some e-mails and getting in touch a little better.
Need: to wash my face - I am getting zits just sitting here and wow it's like a forest is popping up.
Thinking: I might be allergic to cats - not 100% and not feeling any weird signs but because I usually do feel some reaction at my mom's, I'm curious.
Enjoying: all my new jewels
Wondering: how my next project will turn out. So much has been sitting in a box and with the help, I am thinking I'll finish the next one this weekend.
Internet Finds: www.crystalheadvodka.com