Bebe has gone

Bebe died at 3:04, Friday, September 19. After going to bed and trying to sleep I decided to sleep on the sofa beside Bebe's hospital bed. Bentley calls it woman's intuition. We had been told it was down to day(s) and given instructions by Hospice on what to do, who to call, and who does what at what time. I haphazardly set my phone alarm for @ 3:15 am so that we could get up to check her for pain and to move her. Around 3 I woke up because I heard her make a sound. At first I thought it was a moan so I went to get Bentley so we could give her meds. When we walked back in we realized that sound was the last of her breathing. It took us a few minutes of listening and feeling her before we could believe she was gone.

Looking back Bentley had called early that night to make sure the after hours number was working. It seems, down deep, we both knew it was close. Time changes into that weird twilight zone thing and we waited about 2 hours for the funeral service to come and take her. That of course was an emotion that has no words. No matter how much time you've had with an illness to prepare, there is no such thing as prepared for someone to take your mother away for the last time.

Death is surreal. Everything is so quiet and we are not sure what to think of it.

The past week has been very full of care taking, talking with nurses and us both working non-stop to keep everything going and then...everything stops. But not for long before time changes again and we had to get busy figuring out what to do next. So many phases, stages, lists, etc. and we have been figuring it out as we go. Living in survival mode, running off adrenaline, making mistakes, learning and figuring it out until there is a small break to breathe and then a whole new something to tackle. 2008 has truly been a huge learning experience for me and I continue to be overwhelmed by it all - the good, the bad and the ugly.

Bebe was a large part of it and the space she leaves will influence in my life.

Morphine Started Today

Something changed over the weekend with Bentley's mom, Bebe. She slept more than normal - the deep kind that made us check her breathing. She was agitated more than normal and had no peace the entire night. That translation of course is no peace for anyone but something different was in the air. She hasn't really been alert for more than a few minutes at a time since. We wonder if she has had little strokes or something especially since her speech is even worse.

We asked the Hospice nurse to meet me today so we could go through everything. She did the examine and we went through the weekends events. We wondered if she was ready but weren't sure. She agreed and I couldn't help but cry and we haven't done a lot of that yet. She already stopped eating and barely drinks; she sleeps maybe 20 out of 24 hours depending on the activity around her but something about her starting that drug makes it real to me that time is short. We know it is a good thing for her to be comfortable and calm. I think I now feel more anxious when she is quiet than when she is fussing. The nurse showed me how to give her the drug and she woke up in a lot of pain and said she wanted it. I think that made it a little easier to give it to her and of course I call Bentley first to make sure he was okay with it.

We've both taken it in the hospital before but she probably won't ever stop taking it until she is done. It's a great drug to relief pain and stress but it still makes my heart ache and my eyes pool when I think about giving it to her.

We also hired a sitter that we think will really show up tomorrow. It has been a nightmare trying to get someone to JUST SHOW UP, much less do anything. I started a journal for the sitter and for us to keep up with all the activity and dosages. Journals are so good for so many things and this one will be a really important one.

Anniversary

Happy Anniversary to my lil brother and my sister-in-the-law! Eleven big ones! This picture was taken last weekend at Kurt's buddy's wedding. The sexy momma that we all love is Leah and the little one is Page, my favorite person on the planet.

I got my hair cut today and I mean cut. Its @ 1 inch away from what I call boy short. I like it though and I love AVEDA http://www.aveda.com/

If you move or need a change, I'd suggest looking up a full salon. I've never been disappointed and the products are awesome. I had long hair for most of my life and now I don't really remember what it was like. I just keep getting it shorter and shorter. Strange that it gets curlier too and as much as I love big hair - sometimes its just too big. I like just ignoring it - its the best part about short hair. Now that all the color is gone and its short it looks a lot like my daddy's hair. We call the licks and waves - ta-do-ta-dos. I have 1 or 2 grays in my temple but if I do follow daddy's lead, there won't be many. We'll have to just wait and see.

Regurgitation

Another icky word. We went to visit the General Doc today in order to get a referral for a cardiologist for Bentley. During his illness they found a mitral valve prolapse with regurgitation. I saw it on the sonogram thingy they put inside his chest. During our doc visit, he, being the doctor, went on and on about how MVP is very common and not to worry or change any activities due to it. Then he listened to his heart and was more focused on the need for a referral soon. Yeah - I thought so.

Bentley promised to follow up in September and is sticking to his word so I'm happy about that. We are both hopeful that its minor and if surgery is needed it can wait a while. We'll see what the CARDIOLOGIST says. We are different in that he worries and doesn't want to know. I worry and want to know. Once I know what I'm dealing with I can start moving in the right direction. I think he has reason to avoid but he also knows that its not just about him anymore.

I've watched him survive against a lot of odds so I think that's why I have more confidence that no matter what they say, everything is going to be alright. As much as he stresses about surgery, I know the biggest issue for him is he doesn't like scars. Tee Hee.

Kick Azz Library

Saturday Bentley took me to one of the best libraries, EVER. I now have 3 cards in 3 towns. There is a lot to be said for old historical libraries and all the smells of old books, but this new one has blown me away. It was like magic. There were so many new beautiful books and the displays were like being in a book store BUT its free. I was overwhelmed by the light, flow, comfy furniture, easy access, beautiful patio and quiet rooms. We found just the books we were looking for. Me: Presentation Persuasion, Colin Powell, Influence. Bentley: Ebay Business. I already have books out from my own so I tried to have some restraint. My library near my place is still #1 for DVDs.

This town's charm is growing on me and I'm learning where the good stuff is. We went to the downtown and walked the square again. There were vendors and next weekend there is a big art festival that I will be all over. We had southern plate lunches and moseyed on down the road.

Sunday was hot wings and football - Go Falcons!. We pretended that Ginger Ale was beer - it was sad but I do love the ale no matter what kind. Half time became snooze time and I was out. I curled up with the no-sew blanket I made and it was ohh so soft - 3 hours later stretch - "Who Won?".

Freakanomics

Got this book on cd for cheap and lovin it. I love reading different books and then throwing a book on in the car too. This one really gets the wheels turning. I have heard one of the authors (the one that reads on the cd) at 2 different keynotes and he is a funny guy. They have a blog so I'm going to check it out. http://freakonomics.blogs.nytimes.com/

I am overly stressed with all the political discussions and have no comment to share other than I can't wait for it to be over. Something I am sad about almost being over...

BB10. I love watching this show - its the voyeur in me. Thank god I don't subscribe to the 24 hour feeds or I'd lose my job, stop eating, end friendships and have a humpback. I do however check out what's going on by checking in with Morty, my savior. My girlfriend Amelie and I call each other during the commercials to discuss who we are lovin or not and why. We speculate and create theories. All this is done because we are bored but it keeps us from gossiping as much about real people. I was raised by women that watched soap operas every day and at times truly believed those characters were real, so my BB10 addition is not really that bad compared. As a little girl, had to be sure I was taken care of before my grandmomma's "stories" started or I was out of luck. Well when BB10 is on - don't even try to distract me and I only take calls from Amelie. Another thing good to know about me. The picture is starting to form and I can tell you, it's not always pretty.

Labor Day Weekend

Full of labor. Bentley and I spent this weekend laboring our butts off. We cleaned carpets & sofas, fridge, and basically cleaned the house with a vengence. He even hit the yard with the mower. So productive its scary and we're sore. I crushed a bunch of cans and even made his mom a no-sew blanket. But there's more. We also cut his mom's hair. I actually did a good job -thanks to my lovely assistant. Yesterday we took a break to go to a book festival and had some great ice cream along with hitting the farmers market to stock up on veggies. Tonight we are making stir fry so wok out.

I received a call from mom that her friend (2nd mother) is losing her husband and we are all heartbroken. She picked up my auntie, who is also super close, and they are off to help and mourn. It's difficult to be so far way from my family when things are tough and I hate to know my mom (and others) are in so much pain. She feels it for me in my situation here and feels the same helplessness.

I just heard a creak so that means Bentley is actually outside and I don't hear the chainsaw so that means he just cut down a dead tree with a saw. A major adventure began with a chainsaw accident so he knows how that sounds makes me feel like my skin is going to jump off. Nice of him to use something else whilst I'm here. No wait... I typed too soon - just heard it start and yep my skin just jumped off. I just added the picture and this is probably the least amount of damage a chainsaw can do to a chicken leg but it did start a c-h-a-i-n of events. Okay, it's off now so I can breathe again.

Something about me is I do everything in my power not to be involved in accidents involving motorcylces, chainsaws, darts, lawn mowers, machetes, etc. I may not be the biggest risk taker but I gots all the important parts.