Bebe has gone

Bebe died at 3:04, Friday, September 19. After going to bed and trying to sleep I decided to sleep on the sofa beside Bebe's hospital bed. Bentley calls it woman's intuition. We had been told it was down to day(s) and given instructions by Hospice on what to do, who to call, and who does what at what time. I haphazardly set my phone alarm for @ 3:15 am so that we could get up to check her for pain and to move her. Around 3 I woke up because I heard her make a sound. At first I thought it was a moan so I went to get Bentley so we could give her meds. When we walked back in we realized that sound was the last of her breathing. It took us a few minutes of listening and feeling her before we could believe she was gone.

Looking back Bentley had called early that night to make sure the after hours number was working. It seems, down deep, we both knew it was close. Time changes into that weird twilight zone thing and we waited about 2 hours for the funeral service to come and take her. That of course was an emotion that has no words. No matter how much time you've had with an illness to prepare, there is no such thing as prepared for someone to take your mother away for the last time.

Death is surreal. Everything is so quiet and we are not sure what to think of it.

The past week has been very full of care taking, talking with nurses and us both working non-stop to keep everything going and then...everything stops. But not for long before time changes again and we had to get busy figuring out what to do next. So many phases, stages, lists, etc. and we have been figuring it out as we go. Living in survival mode, running off adrenaline, making mistakes, learning and figuring it out until there is a small break to breathe and then a whole new something to tackle. 2008 has truly been a huge learning experience for me and I continue to be overwhelmed by it all - the good, the bad and the ugly.

Bebe was a large part of it and the space she leaves will influence in my life.