Morphine Started Today

Something changed over the weekend with Bentley's mom, Bebe. She slept more than normal - the deep kind that made us check her breathing. She was agitated more than normal and had no peace the entire night. That translation of course is no peace for anyone but something different was in the air. She hasn't really been alert for more than a few minutes at a time since. We wonder if she has had little strokes or something especially since her speech is even worse.

We asked the Hospice nurse to meet me today so we could go through everything. She did the examine and we went through the weekends events. We wondered if she was ready but weren't sure. She agreed and I couldn't help but cry and we haven't done a lot of that yet. She already stopped eating and barely drinks; she sleeps maybe 20 out of 24 hours depending on the activity around her but something about her starting that drug makes it real to me that time is short. We know it is a good thing for her to be comfortable and calm. I think I now feel more anxious when she is quiet than when she is fussing. The nurse showed me how to give her the drug and she woke up in a lot of pain and said she wanted it. I think that made it a little easier to give it to her and of course I call Bentley first to make sure he was okay with it.

We've both taken it in the hospital before but she probably won't ever stop taking it until she is done. It's a great drug to relief pain and stress but it still makes my heart ache and my eyes pool when I think about giving it to her.

We also hired a sitter that we think will really show up tomorrow. It has been a nightmare trying to get someone to JUST SHOW UP, much less do anything. I started a journal for the sitter and for us to keep up with all the activity and dosages. Journals are so good for so many things and this one will be a really important one.