The C Word

No not that bad C word - the other bad C word. For some of you everything requires an explanation.

OK getting on with it. Cancer. Sucks. I first felt it when I was a kid and another kid friend of mine did not survive leukemia. Cancer was around but then when I was around 14/15 I became friends with a girl that was 18 at the time but had breast cancer at 14 and she survived until she was in her 30's. More time went by and there were others but my Aunt B was the first in my family to be diagnosed and we were all kind of stunned. My boyfriends mom had colon cancer and passed away last year and caused cancer became a lot more real to me and honestly cancer pisses me off.

This year my mom was diagnosed with lymphoma and in many ways it's still doesn't seem real to me. I want to keep it that way so please feel free to skip all the examples of people that you know that had lymphoma and their experience good or bad. I do the same thing but it gets really old after a while. My mom has done great to warn people off sharing too much it's all too overwhelming and usually negative. I go looking for encouragement some times but people are crazy with all that - my sister's, best-friend's, aunt had lymphoma and yadda yadda yadda. Get a life.

This is the first time I've heard about someone with cancer not having to have surgery and treatments and I again want to keep it that way. Mom is having to learn to not only survive cancer but to live with it in her body for the rest of her life. It's never going to go away but it seems to be in a state of silence.

Instead of torturing her without much results they have found that in many cases a person with her TYPE of lymphoma can live their normal life span without treatment. It's all very weird to me but her numbers and exams are supporting that she is stable. And so we all just keep going forward and let it slide away from the front of our minds and at least for me, I am just hoping that if we don't give it too much attention it will just stay still and quiet and leave us all alone. I know it doesn't slide away from my mom's mind so I hope she will talk about it whenever she wants and not avoid it because no matter how good bad or ugly cancer is we can all handle it and as long as it plays nice, we'll play nice but if it starts to get ugly we will get ugly right back - my daddy taught me that and it really does come in handy.

If the worst fear is fear it's self then just decide that you can kick anyone or things azz that gets in your way and it's funny how brave/stupid you can be. You can quote me on that.

So yeah I was just with my mom over the holiday and we had a great time even though there were those moments of missing I.T. and it makes me crazy to think of the hole that will be through my heart, body and mind... no not even going to think about it. I know my mom reads my blog and so maybe its good mom that you realize I think of your cancer more than we talk about it and I will help you kick it's azz if we ever have to fight. For now we will all (that means daddy, douglas, etc) become more aware of our health and the need to cherish each day and that we are either adding to our life or taking away with from it.

Yes I feel self righteous right now because I just had one of my green drinks and they make me feel like I'm a healthy person even though I am not.

Some inspriration has come to mind: Here is a post I came across a few years ago: http://www.crazysexycancer.com/
Here is a book I just bought and will share with any of my friends/family that are interested when I'm done (I will screen it) : http://carolynrubenstein.com/

What I like about the book so far is it is full of survivors and most of them are young and something I think the young have going for them is that it never really occurs to them that they will ever die so they just keep going. Why do we have to get dumb as we age?

So yeah my early post which is old is saying how I'm in a funk, ill, stressed and not in the mood to be all happy happy - here are some good pictures of fun. I have a lot of stuff going on inside this melon and my mom's cancer is one of the many things swirling around making my eye twitch.

And don't pressure me to write in this thing, if I'm not in the right mood almost anything could come out and once its on the internet you can't take it back. You know that saying, If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all. We'll that is boring but I'm trying to keep all the filters in their place.

When one of my other personalities make it out, there will be something lighter and uplifting to read. Until then...

What is there to say? I am boring. I have nothing to say that is nice so instead I will complain. It's starting to get cold and that tells my body it's time to hibernate but the world tells me I have to get out of bed and go to work.

My mom sent me this quote: "Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass...it's about learning how to dance in the rain." I agree as long as it's warm rain. I hate the cold.

No, I'm not drinking those green drinks I mentioned in the previous entry. I was being ambitious instead today I had a chocolate milkshake. I am not organized and that always makes me irritable. I have not found my winter clothes so I only have 3 pairs of pants that reach my ankles, 1 pair of shoes that cover my toes and no long sleeve shirts.

You may be wondering what I have been doing instead of getting my crap done. I had a PJ party with my friend Nycole and we were suppose to work in her garden but instead slept in and watched movies. Today I have been watching cable on this big ole tv and reading blogs and looking at crap on the Internet on this big ole monitor at Bentley's and have lost all motivation to do anything. I think all this technology just makes you lose track of time and your brain and all the things you need to get done and you just sit here drooling and feel stupid for not getting stuff done and then overwhelmed by all the stuff that needs to be done and again - no motivation to get it done. THE COLD DOES NOT HELP.

I have to drive home and get ready for a stinkin 8:00 a.m. teleconference. I always have a hard time going to sleep on Sunday night I don't like to get up early and yes 7:00 a.m. is early for me, especially on Monday.

How Green Are You Willing To Go?

What does the word green mean to you? I think of Kermit the frog and how it's not easy being green. Then I skip to trees and spring time. The green movement has turned the word into a political debate. I think its about time we think more, get creative, stop being lazy, consume and dispose of less but it gets very overwhelming.

I have started to recycle more and that makes me feel much better. Bentley has a recycle center near his house so I save my glass, plastic, aluminum and clothes to take to his place. He is really into recycling and there are more ways that we are thinking about. He is going to start composting next and he buys his garbage bags for $1 each. Instead of paying $15 per month, he spends $3-$4 a month. The only negative with composting is keeping his dog out of it and so we are thinking about how to engineer it. I would be great for the garden we want to start next year. I love the idea of growing some veggies and how green is that. My grandmothers were pretty green so I keep trying to think of things they did.

I started drinking green drinks a few months ago and it was going pretty good until I started having a pain in my gut. I think I tried to change too much at one time and my body went into shock. So then I reverted back to my normal diet and this time I'm going to go a little slower. Did you know that kidney stones that are from calcium can come from leafy veggies - what the heck!

Mom and I were "drinking" a green drink and it was really more like trying to eat the stuff that cows regurgitate and re-eat. Yeah - need to blend it a little longer... with a little more water...and fruit.

I found a web site and it has a lot of good information not only on how to make green drinks better, but a lot of other green options. Don't think I feel off a turnip truck, I am loving meat and cooked food but I love when people who are very obsessed do all the work and share great ideas for eating better and it taste good. I'm all for OCD people and the benefits their research brings. http://happyfoody.com/

I will start my green drinks back and I want to do the month challenge to see if I can get rid of some of my sugar cravings. I'm a coke addict. I make myself only drink one from breakfast but if I get stressed it's one of the first things I want and then I start down the road of salt/sugar until I want to vomic.

Bentley is doing his fruit smoothie with protein powder for his breakfast and it makes him feel much better than his usual pork and gravy biscuit with hash browns and decaf. If he knew what happens to decaf he would freak. God pork and gravy biscuit sounds great right now.

I say that while I am sitting her with some of the worst heartburn I've had in maybe a year. I'm sipping ginger ale trying to burp so I won't die. For dinner I made hot sausage hoggies with green/red bell peppers and onions with fresh baked fries. Yes, I know how to feed a man so he loves me and wants to slap his mama but it can't be good for you. Especially when it makes you feel like Aliens 4 just started and you are looking for Sigourney Weaver to come and save you because Zantac and/or Tums is not going to do it. And now I'm thinking about pork and gravy. You know I need some extra strength green drinks!

The stones. They are still there. Not moving so the pain is down to a little ache every once in a while. I got some x-rays last week and met with my urologist twice. I get really ill when I have to wait forever and then when I get in the room with him and his white hair and beard and deep soothing voice makes all the irritation melt away and I'm so glad he is my doctor. Until the next time I have to sit in the waiting room.

He gave me my options and I voted for doing nothing until they move. He agreed and so I'll continue to be a walking time bomb for intense pain. I need some kind of container to take my 3 ounces of drugs on the plane. I am not going anywhere without the meds because I never know when its going to start again and I'm not going to be unprepared. Ohh yeah and don't forget the pee strainer. Wouldn't want to go any where without one of those.

I'm a mother to be... of stones.

Yes its true. I am now in the last trimester of my first and hopefully only experience with giving birth to stone babies. I thought I was going to deliver but no, my babies are not ready to come into the world. Here's what had happened...

I woke up having a nice morning, on time to work, didn't have to iron, pretty ok hair day without too much effort and my battery was dead. I won't start of the trek of anger that happened after that since JIFFY LUBE is at fault and it will send me off and that's not good for the babies.

So I called a co-worker/BFF to pick me up and take me to the office. I got there and started trying to get in touch with Jiffy Lube to give them an update on their customer's disappointment. No one answers the phone at the particular location. I had a quick meeting and started to feel some pain in my back, side, lower abdomen. Within the hour, I reminded myself that I no longer have an appendix. The pain continued and I informed my new manager that I would have to leave and have a ride to the urgent care. Within a few miles I realized I need to go to the EMERGENCY ROOM NOW. Its great having friends that you work with that can drive you but also know where stuff is.

She, Amelie was worried and I was getting worried. I was sweating and shaking and it was the first time I've thrown up from pain. It was not funny at the time but now I wish there had been a video camera in the ER room. I was upside down on the bed - writhing (my new favorite word) while 3 people helped me strip and get me turned around. Amelie has the worry gene and we all know its hard to watch those we love in pain so I was very thankful she did not see how much worse it got. Dang that was the worst feeling ever. I kept thinking how much worse can it get before I'll pass out. I am a dramatic person at times but I think others that have had these will confirm I am not being dramatic. For Real!

So, I got an IV of morphine QUICK and I was complimenting the nurse that put the IV in whilst I was writhing and screaming - "MAKE IT STOP!!!". "Wow that was the best IV I've ever gotten." "MAKE IT STOP!". "Please get something in the IV - she did a great job now put something in it." "MAKE IT STOP!!!!!"I never saw the exorcist but I believe I have lived it. Yes a video would have been fun.

They informed me that I was having a text book case of kidney stones and they would confirm with a CAT scan as soon as the drugs kicked in.

The Good News: They are all small enough to pass on my own
The Bad News: There are multiples and still some up in the kidney
The Good News: With the level of pain you should be passing them soon
The Bad News: You will be passing them at home which means no more morphine
The Good News: We will give you some good drugs
The Bad News: They may not be strong enough
The Good News: You can come back and we'll hook you up

Ok - well its been 3 days and no stone babies have been delivered. I thought for sure my mucus plug had come out and my water must have broken so what is the delay? How can I induce this labor and delivery?

I have aches and at times pain but not the extreme pain so I guess that means they have stopped moving around. I can't feel them kicking anymore. I know its going to hurt but I really just want to git it over with.

No my babies will not be cute, smooth little stones like you find at the beach. I hear they are the equivalent of barb wire without the fence post. I don't really care. I just want them out of me. I've got all my drugs ready and I have been drinking enough water to kill a fish. I have peed in a strainer so much that I'm a pro now and will soon be attempting to pee on a tree through a strainer.

I will be registering at Stones R Us so get your credit card ready.

Hippo Sighting

It was strange to see a hippo at Sweetwater Creek. Coco did so good especially considering how out of shape he is and that we went out further than we planned. There were some areas that he really had to climb rocks and stuff. The only thing that saved him was the water breaks. He would just sink in, rest and drink. He doesn't do well with heat. He has been sore and we've been giving him little massages so he's doing better. We met a lot of other people with their dogs. He gets a little alpha but did good when meeting his canine friends. People kept asking what kind of dog he is and after saying it over and over we decided to just say he is really a bear since he looks like one of those more than anything.

He's a mutt but shows the signs of a bull mastif and a chow. He weighs about 90 lbs and is really sweet. Needy but sweet.

Ohh yeah and very territorial. He will kill anything that comes in his yard that is smaller than him (except for his boxer girlfriend, GiGi). He has 5 acres to his name and he walks the perimeter on the regular. There is a sign in the drive that says BEWARE OF DOG. I wish I knew how to write the sign for the true audience that needs to know but I don't know how to speak or write, rabbit, bird, mole, squirrel, etc.

Sweet

We went to Sweetwater Creek and it was beautiful. There will be another state park coming next year. We love state parks and hope to see many more. You have to watch Bentley thought because he will bite off more than I want to chew.